The Good Widow_A Novel Page 16

  “Dyl. Come on. I know something’s been on your mind. You seemed upset last night. Tell me what’s really going on in there.” James touched her head lightly.

  Even though it had only been less than a day since she found out she was pregnant for sure, the secret she was literally carrying inside of her felt too big to contain for much longer. She studied the dark-green flecks in his eyes, the way the skin between them knotted as he watched her, and contemplated telling him. Would he be happy? Disappointed? She put her arms around his waist. “James—”

  “Get a room!” A few teenage boys with a tanned faces and sun-bleached hair leaned out the window of a passing pickup truck, the back piled high with surfboards.

  Dylan jerked back.

  “Dyl—”

  The moment was lost. What had she been thinking anyway—about to give him life-changing news right here? She needed to think, to plan the right time to tell him. “I’m fine. I told you. I caught some sort of bug, and I think it’s still lingering, but I’m okay.”

  James frowned. “Promise me?”

  Dylan crossed her fingers behind her back. “Promise.”

  “Okay, good.” James opened the door and motioned her in. “It’s getting late, so we might end up driving some of the road at night. But it will all be part of the adventure. You ready?”

  Dylan swallowed hard at the thought of maneuvering the narrow roads in the dark. But she didn’t say that to James. Instead she said, “Always,” and climbed in, pulling her seat belt across her chest.

  As James drove them toward the town of Paia, where they planned to stop at the Kuau general store and stock up for their drive, Dylan found herself thankful they had the top down, grateful for the wind that made it nearly impossible to talk. Plus, the fresh air was helping with the nausea, so she closed her eyes and breathed in as much as her nostrils would allow and let it lull her to sleep.

  “Dylan?”

  Dylan opened her eyes.

  “We just got to Paia. You fell asleep.” James leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I think you needed it. You tossed and turned all night.”

  “I feel better,” Dylan said, thankful it was the truth. “I’m starving.”

  “This place makes the best paninis on this side of the island, according to our concierge. But first, I wanted to show you this.” He motioned behind her.

  “What is it?” she said as she turned.

  “You’re looking at the longest surfboard fence in the world!”

  “It’s incredible.” Dylan got out of the Jeep. “I’m going to take a selfie!” she called over her shoulder.

  Dylan leaned back and positioned her phone above her head, smiling brightly. “Hey, get over here—my arm’s not long enough to get the boards in,” she yelled, just as she lost her balance and fell backward, causing several of the boards to shake slightly under her weight while an angry brown-and-white Akita barked behind the fence.

  “Come on now. All we need is for you to knock all these over like dominoes!” James laughed, grabbing the phone from her. “And what’s with wanting a selfie anyway?” James said as he took the picture. “You’re not even on Facebook!”

  They walked into the small general store, and Dylan’s mouth watered at the fresh quinoa salad in the deli case. She remembered the oatmeal, hoping she could get it right this time. “Maybe I’ll join someday,” she said as she grabbed a bottle of coconut water and a loaf of banana bread.

  James wrinkled his nose at the black- and-blueberry chia-seed pudding and grabbed a log of goat cheese and a stick of salami instead. “Oh, really? I thought you said social media was lame.” He pulled a Road to Hana CD guide from a rack, then turned toward the pretty cashier with long black hair flowing down her back in even waves and piercing dark eyes. “Where do you keep the wine?” he asked. She pointed to the back of the store, and he headed that way, motioning Dylan to follow.

  “Nick thought social media was lame,” Dylan said as James debated between a cabernet and a pinot. “I had an account when I met him, but he asked me to deactivate it.” Dylan rolled her eyes.

  “Well, I hate to side with the guy, but I really don’t get it—why I’m supposed to care about what some person I went to high school with thinks about the presidential election.”

  Dylan shook her head. “That’s not the problem he had with it.”

  “What was it then? The cat videos?” James laughed.

  “Can we change the subject, please?” Dylan frowned, recalling Nick’s words. I don’t like other men looking at pictures of you. It’s creepy.

  James threw his arms up. “You brought him up!”

  “I know. Sorry.” Dylan stared at their surfboard selfie on the screen of her phone. She liked how she and James looked together. His olive complexion and dark hair complemented her lighter skin tone and blonde locks. She wondered which of his physical traits their baby would inherit. “It’s just that Nick didn’t get why I wanted to be on it. I really liked being able to share my life with the people I care about.” Dylan pointed to their selfie. She knew she was testing James—that she wanted to know what he’d think of Dylan sharing their life. If there was ever going to be a time when she could.

  Dylan felt herself getting hopeful as she waited for James to respond and tried to force it down. The thing was, she’d convinced herself this trip to Hawaii didn’t need to mean anything. Even as they’d let people believe they were newlyweds. And maybe she’d been lying to herself all along anyway, but that was before. Before the pink lines had appeared. Now it wasn’t up to her how to feel. This child inside of her made everything different, whether she liked it or not. But she didn’t want the baby to influence James. She wanted him to choose her before he knew she was pregnant with his child.

  “Hey, belleza,” James said lightly as they walked out of the store. But even before he uttered the next words, she sensed what he was about to say. “Even if you do join Facebook again, you know you couldn’t post about us, right?”

  Dylan felt a sharp sting in her chest and looked away from him quickly so he wouldn’t see her disappointment. She wasn’t moving out of mistress status anytime soon.

  “I’m sorry. You know I wish you could, but obviously it’s just not possible. You get that, right?” James tilted her face back toward his. “We want to stay in control of things. Not get sloppy.”

  Dylan sucked in a long breath and made a decision to push her sadness away. She leaned against the Jeep and curved her lips into a wide smile. “I totally get it.” Then she glanced around before pressing herself into James, unsnapping his jeans and sticking her hand inside his waistband. She thought of the most seductive and sassy thing she could say. “You’re my dirty little secret—just the way I like you.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  JACKS—AFTER

  “Stop the car!” I scream over the wind blowing hard through the Jeep, gripping the door handle with all of my strength. When Nick doesn’t hear me, I jerk on his T-shirt and repeat myself.

  He turns the steering wheel left and stops abruptly in a turnout overlooking a deep, tree-lined canyon that backs up to a rocky beach. It looks so far away that it feels like another island.

  I fling the door open and rush out, sucking in short breaths, pressing my hands against my thighs. I open my mouth to speak, but I can barely get words out. “I think . . . I’m . . . hyperventilating.”

  Nick gets out and comes around quickly, taking my arm to swiftly guide me to a concrete table and bench that back up to a short stone wall. “Here, sit down. Hold your breath for as long as you can.”

  I widen my eyes at him, panting like a dog, feeling light-headed.

  “Trust me. This is what I do, okay?”

  I comply, holding my breath for several seconds and finally releasing it.

  “Better?” Nick asks, crouching in front of me and putting two fingers on my wrist. I nod.

  “Your heart rate is slowing. But now I want you to breathe in and out through your nose, slowly
.”

  After a few minutes, my breathing steadies, and he sits beside me. A lone tear runs down my cheek, and I let my body go limp into his side.

  “Have you ever had a panic attack before?” Nick asks as he strokes my hair.

  I think back to Beth finding me in my garage, keys dangling from my fingers while I leaned up against the bag of fertilizer, and nod.

  “I’m sorry. This is my fault. I should have known this drive would be too much. That renting a Jeep was a bad idea.”

  “This isn’t on you. I told you I could handle it. And I really thought I could. I’m just tired of being so weak.” I start to stand, but my knees buckle beneath me. “Fuck,” I mutter as Nick grabs my arm.

  “Easy there,” Nick says. “You’ve got nothing to prove to me.”

  “Why did this have to happen?” I whisper. “I’m just an elementary school teacher who used to think an exciting night was binge watching Netflix while eating chili-powder-seasoned popcorn. I know it sounds gross, but it’s really good.” I laugh slightly, and Nick frowns, then half smiles, clearly not sure how to react. “And now all these secrets. So much drama. My life has become a complete shit show!”

  I breathe in again, slowly exhaling to please Nick. “I just don’t get how life as you know it can change in an instant. Like, you think it’s one thing, that you’re a certain person. Did you know I’m the teacher who gets oddly excited when her end-of-the-year textbook count comes out right the first time? Who tears up when I have enough extra school supplies to donate to another country? Who is meticulous about separating the sad crayons, as I call them, from the ones I can feel good about giving to the art teacher?” I sigh. “I always took pride in my work, in my life. And now I feel like it’s all been for nothing.”

  Nick shakes his head. “I wish I had an answer for you, for us. I see unfair things happen to good people every single day at work. And no matter how often it happens, I still can’t figure out the reasoning behind the madness.”

  “You know what I’ve been thinking about? If I could go back to the last day I saw him. This time, when we fight, I’d give him a divorce and let him have his life. I’d let him live. Even if it was with her.”

  “Really?” Nick asks.

  “Don’t you ever wonder if they’d still be alive if we hadn’t been so naive?”

  Nick shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”

  “If I’d bothered to question one damn thing, I’d have probably figured out he wasn’t being honest. If I had confronted him, he could have confessed to me that he was in love with someone else. He could have left. I would have earned the right to hate him, to be fueled with anger and jealously and ugliness.”

  “And that’s what you want? To be filled with all that negativity?”

  “No, of course not,” I say. “But then maybe they wouldn’t have snuck off together. Maybe they wouldn’t be dead. Even if I hated them both, they’d still be here to feel it.” I waved my hand toward the tree-filled canyon below. “Not somewhere out there.”

  Nick stared at me intently, an unreadable look on his face. “Even if you had found out, and confronted him, there’s no way of knowing if that would have saved their lives. I’m not sure there’s anything you could have done to change what happened.”

  “How can you say that? I could have done a million things differently. I could have been honest with him about my endometriosis. I could have refused to fight with him the last time I saw him.” I pause, my words catching in my throat. “I could have been a better wife,” I whisper.

  “Jacks, we could all be better. Better husbands, better wives, better sons and daughters. But the people who love us, the ones who truly care, they accept us, even if we aren’t perfect. James could have forgiven you. Or he could have left you. He did neither. That is on him.”

  “But she was able to give him the one thing I couldn’t. That baby didn’t deserve to die that day. None of them did.”

  Nick tightens his grip around me, and I look up at him, my lip quivering so hard I have to bite it.

  He puts his hand under my chin and tilts it up, using his thumb to wipe away my tears. It starts to rain lightly, the sky crying with me.

  I close my eyes. This moment feels so raw, so real. And when you realize your life has been filled with more lies than you probably even know, you cling to any shred of honesty you can. So I allow Nick to close his mouth over mine, his lips soft and tentative.

  The kiss feels different and unexpected. It’s been years since I’ve kissed another man. I haven’t memorized the curve of his jaw, the feel of his tongue. I lean in closer, our hearts beating hard against each other. I tell myself that I need Nick, and that he needs me, in a way no one would ever understand. Not my mom, who has never spent more than three nights away from my father. Or Beth. Even though she and Mark bicker constantly, they would walk across hot coals for each other. They wouldn’t understand the way Nick’s words feel like a life jacket that’s been thrown to me right before I slip under the heavy current.

  Nick wraps his hand around the back of my neck and presses his mouth harder against mine. I moan softly, the sound seemingly breaking the spell we’re under.

  Nick pulls away so fast it startles me. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he says, moving a few inches away as if creating a physical distance will stop whatever it is we’ve become. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened there.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, trying to separate the conflux of emotions I’m experiencing. Grief. Passion. Confusion.

  “No—I shouldn’t have done that. And here—of all places—my God.” He cradles his face in his hands. “I just . . . I don’t know what came over me.”

  The sky opens up, and the light drizzle that’s been falling turns into a full downpour, but neither of us moves, the ground below us becoming slick.

  “Nick—” I start to say more but stop because I don’t have any words ready. As the water soaks me, I wait for my own moment of shock to wash over me. For rational thinking to override my irrational emotions. But it doesn’t. That kiss was the most genuine feeling I’ve experienced since the police showed up at my door. As if it had finally righted the slant I’d been leaning into since James’s death.

  Nick looks up, his face tightening. “I’m so sorry, Jacks. I promise I won’t ever take advantage of you like that again.”

  I bob my head up and down several times in agreement and hope he’s lying to me.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  JACKS—AFTER

  “I don’t think I can do this.” Nick shifts away from me. It’s subtle. The distance between us is barely noticeable, but it feels as vast as the canyon below. A moment ago we were pressed together into one; now we’re two again.

  The rain is pounding so hard that every drop is pricking the bare skin of my arms and legs. I wonder what he means. That he doesn’t think he can continue the drive to Hana? Or can’t continue with me? Or both? I say nothing and turn my head to shield my face from the downpour and hide the tears that are flowing again as I glance at the topless Jeep. The heavy rain is falling into it in thick sheets, and I’m not sure which would offer us more of a reprieve from the storm: the concrete bench we’re sitting on or the Jeep. A lightning bolt cracks, making the decision for us.

  “It’s close,” Nick yells as the thunder roars a moment later. He jumps up and grabs my hand, pulling me toward the car. “I need your help with this!” he shouts, the rain whipping his face as he jerks his arm toward the soft top that’s retracted in the back. “It’s too slippery to pull by myself.”

  I open the back door, climbing onto the seat so I can get a better grip on the wet fabric. “See there?” Nick points to the hook on the roll bar. “We need to latch it first.” Nick heaves as he pushes the roof cover into place and then motions for me to do the same on my side. I thrust and get within an inch, but the hook can’t quite connect. My foot slips on my third attempt, sending me spiraling onto the gravelly ground, and I scrape my el
bow, a sharp sting slicing up my arm. I hear another lightning bolt crack. Nick was right—it’s damn close. I lay my head back down, my arm throbbing, and close my eyes—the fight in me almost gone. I wonder if the only thing keeping me going is Nick. And now I’ve somehow ruined that too. Let the bolt come closer, let it hit me right in the chest—it can’t make me hurt any worse than I already do.

  Nick stands over me. “You’ve picked a hell of a time to take a nap.” He smirks. “Your elbow okay?”

  I examine it, see blood mixed with gravel, and nod. It’s the least painful thing I feel right now. He pulls me up, and I slide into the Jeep, a pool of water already on the seat. But at least the roof is now secure, providing a welcome barrier against the pelting rain.

  “We don’t have time to attach the back windows, so this will have to do,” he says as he turns the key and makes a U-turn.

  So he’s heading back the way we came. I have at least half my answer. That he can’t continue the drive to Hana.

  Part of me is relieved. I’m not clueless—I realize what this trip is doing to me. But leaving now makes me feel like I’m quitting on James, because somewhere along the way, this mission has morphed from an investigation into a good-bye.

  “Aren’t we going the wrong way?” I ask, testing him.

  “No. We’re finally going the right way,” he says, keeping his eyes on the road that’s barely visible in front of us. “This was a mistake.”

  “Is this because of the kiss?” I ask, even though I already know it is.

  Nick shakes his head. “I don’t know. I thought coming here, driving this road, following Dylan’s path, that it would help. Not just me, but you too. I wanted to help you—”

  I cut him off. “I know that.”

  “But I never expected that I’d—”

  “Have feelings for me?” I offer in a burst of confidence.

  Nick doesn’t respond for a moment, his eyes still trained on the highway, the wipers thrashing back and forth, barely clearing the water away from the windshield before we’re completely blinded by the rain again. My heart pounds, both for his response and for our safety.